Perhaps I should try a different strategy, and start where the day ended, since it is the closest to now, and therefore the easiest for me to recall.
After spending almost six hours at the Ten Thousand Waves Spa, having gone through an 80 minute massage (very good but not great) and an 80 minute facial (okay but not good), and the remaining hours in the communal baths (with a plethora of visual encounters, to say the least), Aimee and I went to an African restaurant near the institute for dinner. Neither one of us felt like cooking. She had been there before, so she knew it was good. On Yelp this restaurant, Jambo Cafe, has one of the highest ratings in town. I did not know then, but the provenance of the cuisine is East African, from an Island off the coast of Kenya.
The place was packed, so we decided to sit at the communal table, and in front of us sat a couple we had briefly chatted with at the entrance while waiting for the host. They were from Ashville, NC, and because we both have spent some minimal time there, we had something in common. Funny enough both Aimee and I had lived in the same places this couple had throughout their marriage (such as Maine and Upstate New York). The whole situation was funny and weird and sweet, as we both acted as if we were meeting each other's parents for the very first time (very polite, charming, slightly fake and tense). The meal was yummy, the only full meal I have had since I've been here. Aimee even commented how strange it was seeing me eat something other than a salad.
After dinner I was so tired that I went straight to my room. I was so relaxed that I did some email stuff on the laptop and went to bed. It was around 9 pm. I turned off all my lights, put all my devices with the silence ring, and laid down. Unfortunately I could not sleep because John had people over, and between loud music and people chatting/talking/screaming outside my window (heard one female voice I think was Lisa, and one other male voice I did not recognize), it all kept me awake. I tried falling asleep but I could not, because when I was almost there, they'd do something to wake me up. The last time I looked at my clock it was past 11 pm. I actually woke up again around 2:30 am and could not fall back asleep again. It was a very strange sensation because I was still so relaxed from the Spa visit, but was completely mentally exhausted. I could not sleep again because I could hear John snoring. I finally fell asleep sometime after 4:30 am (when I wrapped my entire body, including my head, with the comforter in a 80 degrees room - I might have passed out from the heat), and woke up again at 6:15 (both times I remember looking at the clock).
When I looked outside my window I saw a cardboard box lying in front of my chair outside that does not belong to me. Said box is still there. Little did I know that the worst night of sleep here was a foreshadowing of an even worse day. But I am getting ahead of myself.
Yesterday started as one of my most promising, exciting days since my arrival here (almost two weeks earlier). I'd find out if I could stay for another month (which I imagined was a shoe in, because the director had said so) and I'd be going to the Spa, which is something I've been needing for a while, as my back has been killing me from almost the start of this residency. The spa experience with Aimee, Rita and Marisa could not have gone better, even though it was not perfect. I will spare you the details because quite frankly I am writing this entry right now in the hopes I fall asleep. I have lost my interest to continue pursuing this routine activity almost completely by now. In fact, I might delete this entire blog soon.
To make a long story short, I was so excited about getting a yes from Katie for me staying here that I could barely work out at the gym first thing in the morning, so I only did 30 minutes of cardio and some weights and came back to the institute. But Diane was wrong, and Katie was returning on wednesday (today still for the next 30 minutes or so). I ended up doing everything earlier because of that, even eating early, which made me starve during my whole spa experience. I ate a ham sandwich on the baguette John had bought (don't like sour dough) at 11:30 and the next time I ate anything was a super-frozen Hagen Das at the Spa that I barely finished around 6:30 pm.
I left that place trying to figure out when my next visit would be. Twenty-four plus hours later I wish I could take this and that day back. As a matter of fact I wish I had never come here. I wish I could take the last two weeks back and that I was working on my studio in Ferndale, MI, where I had such a productive time. I have accomplished some things here, but much slower than what I would do at home, without so much distraction. While yesterday I felt hopeful and open to the world, thinking that anything was possible (except falling asleep), today I wish I could press rewind or delete. The reason for it is so stupid, and I feel like a fool. I am actually shocked that I am so bothered by the whole situation, and I feel like I have let myself and others down. Depression is a funny monster, and unfortunately a long time companion in my case, that I try to keep at bay at all times. This time its cage door exploded and it has swallowed me whole, once again. I have gone down to a depth I have not felt since before I started therapy, in late 2008. And there is barely any reason for that, and I can only think that it is happening because I am stupid (for being so gullible) and out of control (because I am defective).
If I decide to write tomorrow you will get a better understanding of how my mind works (assuming anyone is reading), which is not something I am happy with or proud of and wish I could get it fixed permanently. But it will probably not make any sense. I am not sure it should be shared, because I am not into the party pity thing. I do not want people to feel sorry or empathize with me, or take my side, or anything. The problem is me and is in me, and articulating it makes me feel like I am losing my mind, again (though I have never lost my mind officially, I have never been hospitalized, and most people would just think I am moody at times, when in fact I am just trying to make it through the day, get out of bed, etc). I think people perceive me as being a strong person because there is nothing anyone can do to my that I have not done to myself, a million times over. It hurts as much when I feel punished, but it is always worse when no one is involved in this.
It is weird how powerful the mind is over the body. It makes me think also about how much power the body has over the mind, as my body is literally trying to kill itself (via my auto-immune health issues, and no, I do not have AIDS or HIV, this is something else altogether - it is not deficient, it is out of whack, like somebody trying to play pool blindfolded) by failing to recognize itself as itself and instead thinking of itself as a foreign body, which in turns affects how my mind works, and which in turn affects how I process information, which now is actually turning my depression into physical pain.
But it will get better by tomorrow, it has to. Somehow it always does. Strangely enough I feel somewhat lucky, as I have been able to pull through every single time. I love cats, and as much as I wish I was one, so beautiful and flexible, I hope I have more than seven (or nine) lives to live during this one, because I feel I am not done yet. Maybe I am just done for today.
Seven minutes left of June 14, 2012, and then in a few hours I can write about today.
I need to rest.
- posted via iPad
Location:Cerrillos Rd,Santa Fe,United States
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