missing

Yesterday I left in a hurry without writing about the previous day's happenings, and today I find myself wondering what was missed. The day was mostly spent with my sister and niece, running errands, eating at a Brazilian restaurant (pretty yummy, over ate for sure), driving around Dallas, etc. Once back at my sister's place I played with my niece (though I think I took a short nap). We usually play hide and seek, and my niece usually makes a sound so I can find her easily... at one point I was in a closet for close to ten minutes before she found me, I guess it was too good of a hiding place. We later switched to hiding toys and having the other find it, and my niece, when it was her turn to look, always asked me "where is it?" and I am not sure what she was after, but maybe for her playing together was more fun than playing that particular game.

A neighbor dropped her 2 year old with my sister, a cute boy that looks like he should be in a Diaper or Formula commercial, big blue eyes and all, and it was interesting to see the dynamics in the house change. My niece got jealous when I played with the kid (I felt as if we had a baby duck or some unusual pet in the house, it was fascinating), my sister got stressed out and a bit confused, and I eventually realized that kids r probably not for me, even though they r so cute, but specially when they cannot yet speak a word. Baby James was walking and wanted to climb everywhere, so every few minutes we all did something else, we'd hear some sort f crashing sound, a bit of a cry, and by the time we got there he was fine again. My sister said she was happy to have just one kid, instead of more, like she originally wanted. That whole situation made me think of how parents and kids together create the atmosphere of a house house, and how my sister's family is so different from my other sister's, and how theirs were so different from ours when we were growing up. My niece came into the room while i was Facebooking and asked me what i was doing, i told her i was reading because the day before I tried to explain to her what a Wall was and all about virtual friends and she had a total WTF look on her face, though she liked seeing her picture up and all the comments. She told me she thought it was best if I only read at home, and not while I was visiting them. She also asked me if I'd be driving back through Dallas to see them again on my way back home and when I told her I did not know (now it seems unlikely as another road trip is being planned with a buddy), she told me we should then Skype every Saturday and Sunday (mind you she's four). When I left this morning she gave me such a string hug it broke my heart, and she did shed one tear in my presence, though I could tell she was holding back. <3 her. At times I think that I might be missing out on something great by not having kids, but then I remind myself that I should first try to commit to a cat.

I left as early as possible, and it seemed that it took me forever to get out of Dallas, more than it took me to get to Wichita Falls, the first main road marker (until Amarillo). The first three hours went by fast and far, but after the first pee break things slowed down a bit. The part of Texas I was driving through is extremely open and flat, plane and plain. At times I could see beauty in it but I got extremely sleepy as well. The salvation were the small towns where by law one had to slow down from 75 to 35 or 45 in a matter of minutes. Like many people, I both fear and romanticize Texas, and to keep one a bay I focused on the other. Every little town looked so depressed and minimal, I could not even imagine living or growing up in such a place (reminded me a bit of the small towns in Southern Illinois but with less charm from their part, less nostalgia from mine, or both). But I tried to look at them as pieces of Americana that have not been ripped yet and put up for sale at antique shops.

One thing this leg of the trip made me realize is how different the US is from my perception. Blame it in Hannah Barbera and Hollywood, but I really thought it would be me and god in this vast, open land. In 2012 I find America pretty filled up, or at least this part of America. The landscape was pretty disappointing as well, not what I expected, no terracota mesas and hanging cliffs with pre-Colombian towns carved out f stone, but instead lots of land with grass and trees, almost lush at times.

I managed to get to Amarillo with 3/4 of my tank, around 1 pm (left a bit before 8 am), stopped at a gas station that was reasonably priced ($3.45/gallon), went to the bathroom and bought a chicken salad sandwich that proved to be a mistake later that day, even though it tasted fresh. The attendant had a lovely accent but was so rude at the same time, I felt like I was on one of those Pace Picante Salsa commercials. She looked like the love child of Tammy Faye and Kate Gossling, or whatever that woman with the asymmetrical hair is called. I was gonna ask her about my intended target but decided to just leave. Amarillo is another sprawling urban area, with zero appeal and personality from the highway perspective (much like Tulsa). From memory I remembered that the Cadillac Ranch was on the way out of town, so I just kept driving. By the time I got out of town I thought for sure I was in the wrong highway, so I called my sister, but her answering machine picked up, so as I was leaving a message about not finding it, I saw it, on the opposite side of the road. The whole time I was assuming this was a major attraction and that many signs would be available, for tourists and such. As I drove I spoke to the recorder "oh I see it, gotta go". The way it is located, it was virtually impossible to get to it unless I tracked back miles and miles. There were obviously no U turns on the highway and no bridges to cross over, but even if they were there, there was no easy access to the service road. So I made my peace, blew a kiss its way and sent my love to the Ant Farm boys, here and gone. From the brief sight it looked smaller in person than on TV, as most things do. But lined up in front of it were tons of people taking pictures, and that made me happy. A wise friend once told me that art was only relevant if it crossed over into popular culture. I always struggle with this concept because I think it is not always true an that there is something extremely important, at times, in being irrelevant - or at least existing in a sphere that is outside of what is fashionable. In whatever case, I find that the Cadillac Ranch has actually crossed over into the vernacular, which is more lasting than the popular and even art, but which is harder to distinguish from.

Soon after that I was out of Texas and into New Mexico. The landscape changed a bit, the flatness slowly gave away to some undulation, like the water in the ocean before a wave is formed, but unfortunately it never crested, it never seemed monumental at all. Again I had in mind this Road Runner scenario that never materialized, so maybe it does not exist or I am just in the wrong part of the country. I had to stop for another pee break (those diet cokes just run through you) and this time the place was completely scary, as there were no major travel plazas, but this inky dinky off the road one man stop, where I almost peed myself before I got out of the car. The gas pump was analogue and one had to pay inside, and I truly saw myself being killed by the biker guy who was hitch-hiking, but like so many situations in life I am certain that the fear was mutual (I'm sure they thought I was from LA, I get a lot of that in this part of the country).

It was only when I took the road to Santa Fe, a tiny road with NOTHING around that the landscape became more interesting, and I began to see the local architecture, first in hilltop mansions, and later in smaller subdivisions. Again, I surely thought they did this for tourists, because while they look cool everything looks so confined. I imagine they r cool inside, temperature wise. My mind went back to my childhood once more, and I remembered my Indians and Cowboys Playmobile set, which I intermixed with the Hospital set. By the time I drove into Santa Fe proper the architecture was borderline insane, as everything was built in that style, even the Target and the Starbucks, everything beige and brown (really missing my color pencils now). I truly felt like I entered a New Mexican Bizarro World, everything looked to simulated, so forced, it was strange. Found my hotel easily, also brown, and checked in, and felt ill, from the drive and the crap food I ate. Order a take out food from a recommended restaurant nearby, when I got there the restaurant was closed, locked, no signs of life, then drove around, got lost, and found another restaurant, where they recommended I ordered the burger, "the best in town" but I ordered some tacos, which were tasty. Watched Netflix until the wee hours, even later because of yet another time change, and slept like a baby.

Right now I am waiting to hear from the residency folks so that I can check in, but I think they missed all the emails I've sent in the past three days. They must be in New Mexico time, whatever that is. I am tired of being a tourist, I want to get into my studio, my comfort zone and see these next thirty days fly by.





PS: the word adoration in two languages from two different sources have entered my life in the last 12 hours... not sure what to make of it yet..

- posted via iPad

Location:Santa Fe, New Mexico